If I could choose how I get to spend my days, I'd opt to use my time making beautiful things and sharing my time with creative people. I am fueled by artistic inspiration. I admire what others have done before me and want my days to be filled with the euphoria of this inspiration. I'm like an addict, and I need a fix!
Unfortunately, my reality is far removed from the life I dream. Yes, being a stay at home mom for a season is a dream come true. But the open parenthesis before this era was extremely disheartening, and I'm afraid of what the close parenthesis will bring, and all the content of my life that will follow.
Wanting a different life than the one I'm in has been my downfall in the past. I have to fight hard against my impulses to keep focus on my faith in God and remember that His plan for me is bigger than I can imagine. I get so discouraged sometimes, thinking that there is no way for me to arrive at a place where I will finally be at peace with the way my life has turned out.
This was the downfall of my last blog, and the one before that. So I have to set some ground rules to keep myself from going down that path again. I have to promise to be totally honest, even when I'm hurting.
In the blog world these days, it seems that the tendency is to share the good parts of our lives but keep the bad parts private. I think this is harmful. It's dangerous for me and it's dangerous for you.
It's bad for me because this is my outlet and connection to people outside my "bubble", and I can't be truly connected to people in a way that's productive if I'm keeping secrets. It's dangerous for you because the last thing you need is another blogger making you think her life is better than yours, so I don't want to leave you comparing yourself to my lie and feeling like you come up short.
I have a fear of being remembered by people as a "Negative Nelly", so sometimes I keep my sad feelings to myself and project encouraging and happy things instead. When I was younger, I was abandoned by people I really cared about because they couldn't handle my honesty. The problem with keeping the bad feelings to myself is they fester and then explode after a while, and when they do, I feel like giving up on everything. Perhaps losing the people that can't handle the honesty is a better option!
Here's the honest-to-goodness truth about my life: I had big dreams when I was young. Somewhere along the way, I quit believing that I could accomplish anything I dreamed, and I quit trying. I spent a whole decade walking away from God and doing my own thing. When I finally decided to return to Him, I found myself 100,000 miles away from the dreams of my youth and hemmed in by the life I'd built on my own strength.
Returning to God hasn't been an immediate remedy for the ails I brought on myself, and that's frustrating. It always will be. Faith brings freedom, sure- but not always immediate relief from the consequences of our decisions.
I have to hold on to the fact that God gave me the desires of my heart- they are a gift from Him and He plans to honor them if I will let Him use me. I can't take the reigns and ride off on my own power again. For whatever reason, I'm in a phase of life where I am trying a lot of things and failing often.
I am totally clueless about where I'm headed and what He's doing in me. I'm very confused and sometimes very sad. Even if I never get to see the outcome in this life- God is using my story to write His own. When my life is done and I get to see how He used me, I expect I'll be more overwhelmed by the artistry of His brush than I could even fathom on this side of Heaven.